Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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