my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
