garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
