Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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