i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
