a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
