Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
