You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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