you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize