I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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