i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
