You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
