theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
