we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
