It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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