Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
