I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
