last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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