You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
