i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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