i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
