shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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