i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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