There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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