Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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