The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
