I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
