My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
