Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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