I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
