Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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