I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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