how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You were trust falling into bushes
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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