I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
