I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
