the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just forgot I was standing up.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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