her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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