Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We just shotgunned beers for America
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
