I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
