Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
