Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
