I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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