I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
