he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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