I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize