hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
