Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
