I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
