I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
