so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
