someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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