my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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