It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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