My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
