I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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