So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
