We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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