Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You smell like stripper and shame
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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