she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
