I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
